Blubber To Runner

(NSFW language)

So I’ve got about two weeks before my 3rd half-marathon, and to say that my training hasn’t been consistent would be an understatement. Not to say that there’s been no training, but my runs haven’t been amazing, my diet has matched my runs… it’s just been very underwhelming.

Why?  To be honest, I wasn’t very sure.

Until today.

I went for a run today – it’s a beautiful day, wanted to do 4-6 miles. So I got started, and I was all over the place – my brain was just going NON-STOP with information. I couldn’t stop thinking… couldn’t shut it off. What was my pace… how far had I gone… I’m not gonna be ready for this race… how am I gonna hydrate for the race… maybe I should just not do it… is everything ok with my hotel room… how am I gonna do this race by myself… so I stopped and sat down.  I had been running for only about 6 minutes.

And then I had a gahdamn epiphany.

Seriously – for some reason, something clicked for me…

I AM THINKING WAY TOO DAMN MUCH.

I’m in my own fucking head sabotaging myself. And what’s crazy is that I’m doing it in EVERY PART OF MY LIFE. I talk myself out of so many different things even before I do them; I talk myself out of job opportunites even before I walk into the interview. I tell myself I don’t want to try X or Y because I already ‘know’ I won’t enjoy it – or people won’t enjoy me being there. I don’t write anymore because seriously, nobody wants to keep hearing about me this much – plus I tell my wife everything I’m feeling… we talk about it, and that’s that.

I mean, I can literally talk myself out of ANYTHING – and it’s debilitating.

So I decided to stop worrying. And I’m going to keep trying to not worry. And it started with my run.

I turned off my RunKeeper, I turned off my running playlist and I just ran. I have no idea how far. I kinda have an idea of how long. I just ran until I didn’t want to anymore, then I stopped and walked back to the car.

AND IT FELT REALLY, REALLY GREAT.

Now, I know this whole issue with the “voice inside my head” isn’t a new thing… I’ve been fighting myself for years. Sometimes it gets the better of me, other times I beat it’s ass back. But right now, in this moment, I’m making a conscious choice to not listen to the negativity and change the voices attitude to one of positivity and motivation.

So today I’m putting together a quick 2 week half-marathon plan… just to help me get the endurance & stamina up again before the big day. Every day starting this Saturday will have either a run, a workout, or both. All helping me get to this race.  Plus, I remember that I started writing for me… and I kinda forgot that.

So I’m probably gonna write some more. Take a few pics. Post some motivational shit on my page. Because you know what? I NEED IT. I hope you guys like it too, because I think you guys are great. And I’m sorry I haven’t put myself out there as much I had been. I go in and out of my head a lot… it’s not easy for me!

(PS – sorry if this is kinda all over the place… I’m ridin’ the wave!)