Who In The HELL Is That?!?!

May 17, 2012

I look weird.
Like, seriously… I look at myself in the mirror or in pictures and look just awkward and odd.  I know to some of people that’s crazy because I’ve lost almost 75 lbs and I’m working out like it’s my job.  They think I should be saying self-assuring things to myself like “WOW – I LOOK AWESOME!”, but I guess when you’ve been looking at yourself a certain way for so long you get comfortable with it – even if you’re uncomfortable with it.
It’s hard for me to explain really.  I know I’m healthier… I know this is right… I know that I’m doing it right and the loss is going exactly the way it should be.  But losing an enormous amount of weight is almost like getting plastic surgery – you become a completely different person and mentally you need to prepare for that.
I’m not sure I did that as well as I could have.
I remember how uncomfortable I was trying to get dressed to go out when I was heavy – I would put my arms into my knit shirts and try to stretch them out so they hung looser and didn’t “hug the curves”.  I loved sweatshirts… like, LOVED them.  I never tucked in shirts at all, because all THAT did was highlight terrifying things about me.
Now it’s different – but the same.  I look in the mirror and see this big ‘ol long neck that I “never had”… I think my shrits look ridiculous because of it so I’m constantly pulling the collars closed around my neck.  I’ve lost 8 inches in my waist so far, and I’m not comfortable AT ALL in pants that size so I find myself cinching a bigger pair w/ a belt.  And I still wear a lot of sweatshirts.
So… why the hell am I putting this out there?  I have a reason… and that reason is BODY IMAGE.
It’s shore season in Jersey (yes, America… we’ve been calling it the Jersey shore far longer than MTV named a show after it) so I hear so many people talk about how they wanna look great for the beach.  Now, I look at these people and shake my head… they’re in amazing shape.  Some are gorgeous… some are stunning… some even look like bodybuilders for God’s sake.  But they all have the EXACT SAME ISSUE that I do; they’re not happy with themselves.
In their eyes, they look weird.
And I honestly don’t know where it stops… I have muscular friends that want to get leaner.  I have lean friends that wanna put on some muscle.  I have friends that wanna tone their tummies and tighten their booties that honestly (from an outsiders perspective) I don’t see a problem on them in either of these areas.  And then there’s people like me that just wanna lose enough weight to not terrify beachgoers if they choose to take off their shirt (RELAX, Jersey… you got ‘til 2013 for me)
But, what this did do is remind me that this journey is SOOOO much more mental than anything I’m doing physically.  I tend to forget that sometimes when I reach a goal at Weight Watchers or finish a race.  But every one of those accomplishments goes right back to the fact that MENTALLY I prepared myself to handle the physical aspects of those goals to achieve, so I need to understand that MENTALLY I need to learn that there’s nothing wrong with how I look. It’s not an easy task – especially for a guy whose head works and processes things in the manner that I do – but I need to focus on the right things… focus, focus, focus.  Focus on the end game, focus on the progress, focus on the fact that this is barely the middle of a journey I’m still very far away from completing.
And focus on the fact that I can’t get comfortable with anything now because it’s all gonna keep changing – again and again and again.  But I CAN be happy with it.
I wanna end this with something I wake up and tell myself every single day.  And I’m not just saying that because it seems dramatic… I really mean it – I say this EVERY SINGLE DAY.  And I think it encompasses what I really want to convey in this post:
“You don’t get healthy so you can be happy with yourself… you need to be happy with yourself so you can get healthy.”

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