Lonely Road Of Faith

March 5, 2012

“Up and down that lonely road of faith,

I have been there,
Unprepared for the storms and the tides that rise.”

~Lonely Road Of Faith, Kid Rock
So it’s no secret that I gain clarity in my life when I can find a song to relate to (and conversely, help me understand) times in my life that lend to be confusing.  It was literally a ‘Come To Jesus’ moment when, driving down Fairfax County Parkway one afternoon over a year after my wife left, I heard “Slam” by Minutes to Midnight… it literally said everything I wanted to say but didn’t.  
And suddenly I could move on.
Actually… this is from Labor Day, 2010 and I’m the
same weight I am today.
Well, with my training now at a point where people quit, fake injuries, etc. I’m confused again.  I’m 38 years old this month, I ache for days not hours, and I’m putting my body through things even young fit people don’t think is the smartest thing to do right now.  No matter how great my weight loss will be come 4/22, I’m looking at about 275-280lbs by the time the gun goes off that morning.  That’s a lot of f**king weight to carry around.
So I find myself alone.  I don’t mean no one is around – coming home to Jersey has afforded me a luxury I haven’t had since I was in my early 20’s… a support system of people who want to see me succeed and are willing to actually help me do it.  No, I mean I’m alone because I’m having a hard time finding someone who can relate to what I’m going through.  Not in the weight loss – seriously, I have a ton of people I have never even met that keep me motivated, let alone close friends and family.  Not in the running either – have a bunch of people in that area as well.  
I’m having a hard time finding people who have run half-marathons heavy.

I don’t even know if that makes any sense, so I’ll try to explain.  Take my brother who is far and away the best conditioned athlete I know – I mean, you don’t win bodybuilding competitions at 5’10” and 155lbs unless you look ridiculous, and he was an amazing runner in HS and college (I believe he still has at least one record at East Stroudburg).  He’s a HUGE support, but he’s always been small, he definitley didn’t get the chubby gene.  Now, take some of the bloggers I read – they’ve all lost a shit-ton of weight… and then started running ridiculous amounts of half, full and ultra-marathons.  But they never did it heavy. I feel like I have no one that can TRULY understand what I am going through.
Seriously – WHERE THE HELL MY PEEPS AT?!?!?!
Which leads me to Kid Rock.  I mean… he’s not my peep or anything, although 1 drunk Vegas night I did cross paths with him (with only a blurry picture – and a blurry memory to match – as proof) but, with the 7,000 song iPod on full shuffle, ‘Lonely Road Of Faith’ came on. And for some reason – and even though it’s a love song per se – it really cleared up this little problem for me.
Faith really IS a lonely road.  No matter how much support I get from anyone (which is amazing if I haven’t clarified that enough… keep it coming) it really is:
(“So THAT is why it’s his new profile picture on FB…”)  🙂
And anyone who knows me knows that this battle is really, REALLY hard for me.  I overthink EVERYTHING.  It’s very entertaining at times… it’s even very helpful at times, especially when people want to know various perspectives on things (‘cuz I gotta LOT of different perspectives…) but, as much as it can be of assistance or humorous, it can be extremely debilitating.

I need to get slapped around a little (No, you can’t… I mean slapped around verbally.  And yes, I’m talking to you….) I need to KNOW that it really doesnt matter if anyone else has done this before as heavy as I am, or if I know this person or not, it just matters that I have the faith that I can do it… that I believe I can run 13.1 miles on 4/22… that I trust in my training and it will all come to pass. To be honest, I have my doubts.  But as La Diabla tells us every time we’re out running:

First 1/3 of the race is with your legs,
Second 1/3 of the race is with your head, 
Last 1/3 of the race is with your heart.
Ironically, I completed my 1st 9-mile run earlier in the day I’m typing this… which, when broken down, is the tail end of the 2nd 1/3 of a half-marathon (or the ‘head’ part).

It’s in my head, so now it’s up to me to get it out.  

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