Blubber To Runner

So… 1 of the biggest questions I get from people is the following:

“You’re so positive!”

Well, someone said that to me again the other day and it kinda hit me – I honestly wonder if people really know what this has been like?  I mean, I love doing this blog.  Apparently people find it very entertaining (or they’re just lying to me to make me feel good, which I will also gladly take).  I try to make it fun and light-hearted, but at the same time cover some real topics I deal with, society deals with or – just maybe – you also deal with so that you know you’re not alone.  But, I caught myself thinking ‘do people really know what this is like?  Am I kinda leading them on by making this sound fun and jovial?’  Well… I’m done wondering, because I’m gonna tell you.

THIS SUCKS.

The last thing I want anyone to think is that I’m just enjoying the hell outta eating salad, spending my nights at a gym instead of out partying w/ my friends or tracking points at the restaurant with my cell phone.

WHAT I AM DOING SUCKS.

 I wake up every morning dreading the fact I have to get dressed and try to find something to wear that doesn’t make me look TOO embarrassing in public.  I have to see what others eat and enjoy – that I too want to eat and enjoy but cant because I need to be smarter about:

a)  what I’m eating,
b)  how much I’m eating, or
c)  saving my points for another meal/ outing that I’m expecting I may need them for.

I have physical limitations because of my size (it’s tiring carrying my mother – the weight equivalent of how much I have to lose – around all day.)  Hell, I have MENTAL limitations because of my size… the anxiety I cause myself just wondering about what people think when they see me has kept me up at night – and that’s not an exaggeration.  I curse at my trainer for being such an asshole.  Sometimes that’s my best friend (and sometimes it’s a dude on a TV screen.)

WHAT I AM DOING SUCKS… 

But it’s necessary!

See – this is where it all comes together for me.  There’s nothing fun and exciting about me running my chubby self around in the freezing cold on New Year’s Day in a 5K (except that a bunch of my friends are also doing it that is.)  It is going to be a real challenge… but it’s necessary.  Nothing awesome about taking my first CrossFit class at over 300 pounds… but it’s necessary!  There’s definitely nothing fun about weekly weigh-ins… but, again, it’s necessary!

IT’S ALL NECESSARY.

It’s necessary because there’s absolutely NOTHING healthy about being overweight.  There’s NOTHING physically appealing to people of the opposite sex when you’re unhealthy looking (and, to be honest, people deserve to have someone that cares about themselves care the same way about them).  There’s NOTHING healthy about trying to look at a young child – be it your own, a family member, a friends child, etc. – and try to explain why you’re so big.

And lastly, it’s necessary because I owe it to myself to be the best me I can be.  Yeah I know – that’s pretty freakin’ corny.  But it’s true… I deserve better than what I’ve done to myself for the last decade.  And I have no excuses since, well, I’m the only one that’s in my way.

Can’t believe I found a pic of a shit sundae…

So just know… if you read this and wonder at all what it’s like – it’s a huge pile of suck on top of a shit sundae… that I take and put sprinkles and chocolate sauce with a cherry on top to make it funny, entertaining and enjoyable for everyone!  But don’t mistake that as this being an easy journey whatsoever.  I’m no different than any one of you that either are doing this or think you can’t do this… Because for me, and all the people I know or have met during this journey – it’s not!

It’s, without a doubt, a ‘what you make of it’ situation… and this is what I do – and how I choose to do it.