The Blog I Never Thought I’d Write

October 10, 2011

Fail – v. failed, fail·ing, fails

1. To prove deficient or lacking; perform ineffectively or inadequately

2. To be unsuccessful

NOTE:  This is the last entry I will be writing for ‘Blubber To Mudder’

 So, a year ago, I wrote the following line in this very blog:

“And don’t ever… EVER get discouraged.  If you’re doin’ it right, you’re gonna get results.”

God, that line is so true.  When you get discouraged, it’s a surefire way to completely lose track of your long-term goal and end up practically at square one… unsure of what you were, where to go or what to do.

Which is exactly what happened to me.

Star Date: mid-December, 2010… I was down 80 pounds and plugging away at my ultimate goal of losing 140 pounds and being ready for a huge endurance race at the end of October.  Everything was going 110% according to plan.

But then I broke.  I broke by saying to myself ‘I can cheat this once’. I didn’t listen to my own advice on this being a lifestyle change, not a diet, and realize that mentally maybe I wasn’t ready to handle ‘once’.  It went from once, to twice, to ‘I can take a week off… I’ve earned it!’, to me never getting back on the track that I was on before. 

Then things got bad.

My personal life kinda got turned upside down mid-Summer… I know I’ve always been private when its comes to my relationships, job, school, etc. but all of those aspects in my life took a negative turn all in one ‘Perfect Storm’-like swoop… and I just spiraled out of control.

The thing is – I am not blaming ANY of that stuff on why, instead of continuing to lose weight in 2011, I’ve gained 40 pounds back that I lost.  I can actually tell you the exact day, time, meal and situation when I said to myself ‘It’s fine… I can do it this once.’  Crazy, right?  It was that meaningful to me… and oohhh sooo delicious.  But that situation isn’t why I am where I am right now… not at all.

The problem is ME.

When you talk to people that gained weight, started smoking, started drinking, etc. soooo many of them say it’s because of a reason:
“my boyfriend broke up with me”, or
“I hate my job”,or
“I failed my mid-term”

And they couldn’t be more wrong.  Truth is – they simply don’t know how to handle that kind of stress in a constructive way, so they find a way to cope with it.  It could be anything… I happen to choose food.  Food consumed me as quickly as I chose to consume it and, once I had that first cheat, then the 2nd, the 3rd and so on… I got to the point that I realized I was regressing in my goal and I, figuratively, tapped out.  I gave up.  I gave in to what tasted so good and made me feel so much better for that short time.

So that brings us to present day.  Right now, I’m back at a very bad state in my head – the ‘too embarrassed to be the fat guy working out’ stage.  This paranoia/ phobia/ fear keeps me from running outside or going to the gym on a regular basis.  I sneak out every so often, but nowhere near as regular as I need to be.  This also puts me in the ‘food/ alcohol makes me feel better when I’m sad’ state of mind, and I’m sure we all know what happens at that point.  This is a BAD state to be in… especially for someone who is alone, job-hunting and has WAY too much free time on his hands at the moment.

So, as I stated in the beginning, this will be the last post for this blog.  I set out at the beginning of this with a clear goal… a goal I failed to achieve which, in turn, makes this blog obsolete.  I don’t know what’s next for me other than knowing, without question, that SOMETHING still needs to be done!  What that is, when it will be, how I will do it, etc. will all be figured out in the near future.

And let me make this clear – I AM NOT GIVING UP.  I am going to lose this weight and I am going to win this war.  But when I do something that doesn’t quite work out I take a step back, evaluate the situation, formulate a new gameplan and implement… which is exactly what I’m doing right now.  I’m gonna be doing some searching – on the internet and in my soul – for what my next steps will be.

Now, if any of you have any suggestions, advice, etc. I’m all ears… hit me up on Facebook, Twitter, Klout, Google+… whatever works for ya!  Some of you have reached out to me recently, and I will be getting back to you very soon :), but I want to hear from ANYONE that can say ‘hey, this worked for me’ or ‘hang in there b/c you’re the most amazing individual I have ever met and without your blog my life is meaningless…’

Too much?  Oh, OK…

So I’m not going away forever, just going away for now… in the meantime lemme close with this – in my opinion the single greatest lyric ever written:

‘Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end…’

Oh… and this:

… and lastly this

(Tell me that wasn’t just AWESOME…)

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