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Where Have I Been…

February 22, 2011

‘It’s been 22 days since your last blog post.’

I’ve been dreading this message for probably about 5 weeks now.  I knew SOMEONE would notice that I haven’t posted recently and eventually say something.  Today was that day… I got called out.

So the question is “Where have you been?”

Well I won’t sugar-coat it.  I fell off the wagon.  Hard.  Like, real hard.  I’ve gained 8 lbs.  Have not been able to get back into working out consistently due to everything from motivation & weather (terrible excuses) to a recent groin injury (not an excuse, but it sure doesn’t help when trying to get back into the rhythm of things either).  There’s another BIG reason though, and I think it’s important that I share it because it really REALLY illustrates a point that I have been trying to make throughout this entire process:  If you’re head ain’t right, the rest of this simply WILL NOT WORK.

For those of you that don’t know… I’m an ANGEL.  I never do anything wrong.  Ever.  My halo is so bright I carry around shades so people can look at me when we’re talking.

OK, Mom and Dad… you can stop reading.  (They gone?  Good.)  🙂

In all seriousness I keep my nose clean as much as I can.  I would rather avoid questionable situations altogether just to ensure that it doesn’t lead to trouble.  I’m the voice of reason for when anyone I know tries to do ANYTHING that could possibly be an issue.  That’s just how I am… extra cautious.

About 5 weeks ago, by the grace of God, I was pulled out of a situation that could have pretty much ruined my life.  Gut instinct says I should be thankful, right?  Well, I wasn’t… I was TERRIFIED.  I need to tread lightly on this due to the legal aspects of it – which, again, do not involve me AT ALL – but what freaked me out was, if it weren’t for a huge stroke of luck I would be the one smack in the middle of this mess.

This situation showed me something first-hand that I had never been this close to before… any person with an agenda can take my life, my career, my future and my reputation in their hands and destroy it… by doing something as simple as making a phone call.  Doesn’t matter whether or not it’s true either.  Everything I have worked towards could be gone just like that simply because someone else decided they didn’t like me, they wanted attention, etc.

Think about that.

Well let me tell you something… I did.  Non-stop.  For a week.  Outside of what I absolutely had to do for work I didn’t leave my house… I didn’t talk to anyone… I didn’t play around on Facebook… nothing.  I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that anyone could just take it all away whenever they saw fit.  That, no matter how hard I worked at being who I am today, it can all be gone just like that.

I started eating badly again, didn’t work out at all, skipped therapy – all VERY bad signs.  After a week, I eventually wandered out again.  This is when I started w/ alcohol again to make me more comfortable around people and to ease the anxiety.  Again, ANOTHER bad sign.  It’s nuts, but this one situation made me regress terribly and, to be completely honest, I have yet to fully recover.  That was about 5 weeks ago and I’m still trying to find the motivation I had in early January… I just haven’t been able to.

This sounds crazy, right?!?!  Trust me – IT WAS.  I’ve never experienced anything like it in my life – and this includes my separation/ divorce!  I am sharing it because Lord knows I’m not the only one that’s ever experienced some kind of trauma that’s caused them to retreat, rethink, re-evaluate, etc.  So right now, I’m working on trying to get back on the bull (Get that picture now?!?!  Me… getting on the bull… I crack myself up sometimes!)  I need to get away from all the delicious foods again, find that passion for running/ working out that I had pre-holidays, and really try to find ways to get back and focus on the Mudder, focus on my health and get rid of the crap that’s holding me back.

Not gonna lie – your encouragement is welcome.  I have had so many of you tell me how much I have motivated you, and I know I’ve probably let you down with this news, but I could use some of that motivation right about now.  I am sorry (especially to my family) that I let you down, that I – once again – kept something bottled up, didn’t talk to anyone about it and tried to process it on my own.

Lastly, I want to make sure I get back to the point I am trying to make in putting myself out here like this, because lemme tell you… for those that don’t know me and how much I value keeping my private life private, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.  Please remember this hugely valuable lesson everyone needs to learn when trying to accomplish ANYTHING, but especially weight loss, health, etc.:

If you get your head right, your body will follow, and NOT the other way around.

** PS – just to let everyone know I have officially purged that person out of my life. No matter how much you want to help someone and be there for them, if they don’t want it for themselves it’s a lost cause. I have better things to focus on, like myself and my well-being. I also am back on track w/ the diet… I’ve definitely had some encouragement recently in the eating healthy department so I am VERY thankful for that. Oh, and I joined a gym. Two of my friend are early bird work-out people up there so I get to hang with them when I go… much easier than going alone that’s for sure. I’m gettin’ there people… I’ll be back shortly – I PROMISE! 🙂 **


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