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Why Thank You!

January 31, 2011

I am, apparently, the WORST human being in the world when it comes to compliments.  I have absolutely NO idea how to react when people say something nice about me (or so I was recently told.)  I blame my friends.  I blame them because I feel like every time they say anything nice to me, it’s simply to set up the inevitable zinger that’s bound to be coming ANY minute now.

I need new friends.

OK I’m kidding… maybe.  No seriously – I’m joking about the ‘new friends’ thing.  But what I’m not joking about is being TERRIBLE at accepting a compliment.  In every aspect of my life I’m this way.  If I do something at work worthy of a compliment I deflect (I mean, I think I think I deflect… trying to remember that far back) and then thank the people that may have helped me in some way.  When my parents say something nice I know it’s because they have to say it… after all, they can’t have disappointing terrible children!

The only time that I can actually say ‘thanks’ when someone compliments me is when I sing.  Wait – I take that back.  No one compliments my ‘singing’ either – nor should they… it’s terrifying.  It’s more of the rapping thing.  Seeing a fat white dude bust out ‘How Low’ by Ludacris gives everyone in the bar that Ringling Bros. feel and just gets everyone excited for the bearded lady (seen at Mista Fingaz’s Friday and/ or Saturday night shows) and the lion-tamer to follow.  I don’t know how or why I was blessed with the ability to rap like Busta Rhymes or Twista but, for drunk people at a bar, seeing a chubby Caucasian do it is thoroughly entertaining.

And what am I if not entertaining.

The real issue I have is with the compliments on my weight loss/ working out/ progress.  People think I’m nuts when I say this, but I don’t think I deserve them.  I made myself this way… It’s my fault I was 170 pounds overweight… I’m the reason I was morbidly obese.  For doing something I should have been doing my entire life (ie: being healthy and taking care of myself) I kinda feel like I’m cheating everyone out of compliments they should be giving to other people that may really deserve them.

And it’s totally a double-edged sword for me, because I LOVE hearing them!  So it’s kinda like “What do I do?”; I feel pompous when I have to say “Well, thank you for noticing” or something similar but, on the flip side, I learned in the past few days it’s the fuel that keeps me going.

Lemme explain – I’ve had an absolutely terrible two week stretch when it comes to my diet, weight loss and working out.  I let something get into my head that REALLY messed w/ me, worse than anything else sin a very, VERY long time.  It was crazy… and borderline laughable (the select few that know are reading this and saying “uhhhhh, YEEAAAHHHHH… Freak!”)  In some ways, my concern – and fear – was justified.  But I did what I always do – I made it WAY more than it should have been.  And it crippled me.

Then, the other day, I got a completely unsolicited message from an old friend that has WAY more important things on their plate than messaging me.  It was short and simple:

“Amazing how hard you are working and the will power you have…you are an inspiration. Just wanted to let you know I’m cheering for you and wish you the best!”

… and then I realized how much of a hot mess I’ve been the last few weeks.  And I was disappointed in myself; disappointed in the fact that I let myself fall off like I did and disappointed that, in an odd way, I’m kinda letting people down who really want this for me – lately, it seems, more than I wanted it for myself.

But… it completely snapped out of my funk – like instantly.  I can’t let these things mess with me like I did.  I need to remember my family, friends, my godchildren… and remember that above all I need to remember caring about ME.

So, even though it may not seem like I appreciate the compliments because of my awkward looks/ answers/ responses, just know that couldn’t be farther from the truth.  I love knowing you are all reading, giving a shit, paying attention, being motivated, laughing… whatever it is that I’m doing, I’m glad I’m doing it.

So thanks… *virtual group hug*…. *virtual ‘Kumbaya’ sing-along*…and have a great week!

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