Blubber To Runner

“Last words… It’s a lotta pressure, kids.  It really gets you thinkin’.”

So… I had this whole idea of the blog I wanted to write this week, and I sit down and throw on ‘How I Met Your Mother’ for background noise to start putting thoughts to blogpost.  I don’t watch the show… I’ve maybe seen 5 episodes in my life.  But, based on my other options (The Bachelor and Chuck), HIMYM was clearly the best choice.  It’s funny enough… and I could use a laugh.  What I didn’t expect was to get my next blog out of it.

The episode before this one had one of the main characters father’s die, very unexpectedly from what I understand (I saw all the FB posts talking about the shock lol!)  So, the question/ topic that was posed on this episode (the funeral) was “What are the last words your father said to you?”  So I did what each of the characters did – right now, what are the last words I said to my Dad, and how would I feel about that being the last conversation I ever had with my father.  And to be honest?  I have NO idea.  I don’t think me and Dad have talked since Friday.

That’s not an uncommon thing – I generally speak to Mom when I call the house.  We even have this running joke that, after a few minutes of talking to Mom, one of us will make a comment to the effect of “I’m doing OK too, you know, in case anyone wants to know…”  Plus, they are on vacation… in Florida… with my Moms new iPad… you know, the gadget I wanted for Christmas… that I don’t have… but she does…. but I digress.  (<3 I LOVE YOU MOM *muah!* <3)  However, in the scheme of everything – that’s TERRIBLE.  I wonder, if the roles were reversed, if my Dad knows what our last conversation was?  I mean – I don’t remember… does he?

Moreover, what the show really made me think about (being the over-analyzer that I am) is the last words I have said to MANY of the people I care about – and do these people really know how I feel about them… how important they are to me?

Two recent – and very different – situations popped into my head:

ONE:  Two weeks ago, after a conversation in therapy, I stopped contacting people.  I somehow realized I had a huge problem with the fact that, outside of family, unless I reach out to people I simply don’t hear from anyone.  I never really get an unsolicited call to see what I’m doing or if I wanna hang out…. never really get a “how’s it going?” from anyone ‘just because’ – that is unless I start up some type of interaction and these things come up. I wanted to see, if I stopped reaching out, who would “care” enough to actually initiate a conversation with me.  This little experiment was met with mixed results – and that’s not even the point I want to make.  What really hit me tonight was, if something happened to me during this, I would have never spoken to these people again all because I had a problem always initiating conversation.  It’s pretty gahdamn petty in the whole scheme of things, and to be honest I’m glad I kinda got over it after only 4 days.

TWO:  Over the past couple of weeks, I have taken steps to repair two old (and formerly meaningful) relationships in my life.  I can handle a lot of things… I really can.  It takes a lot for me to really get pushed over the edge.  In these instances where the individuals were completely cut out of my life, I felt I was disrespected – both as a man and as a friend.  We all have a lot of mutual friends and, just like there was awkwardness when my ex-wife and I split and were in the same room, that same awkwardness amongst our friends probably existed in a similar situation.  I’m a little happier after watching the show that we’ve – for whatever reasons that made this process begin – decided to start getting everything out on the table to try to move past these issues and maybe, just maybe, something more than civility can come out of it. 

Seriously… I can’t believe a show with Doogie Howser is makin’ me think like this.  But, and I’m warning you all right now, I’m gonna start sharing a lot more because the feelings I’m having right now as I write this kinda suck.  I don’t want anyone that means ANYTHING to me to say something like:

“The last thing he said to me was… was… you know, I don’t know what it was.”

And hey – maybe, if you’re reading this, you can do that too!  Make sure the important people in your life know how you feel.  Doesn’t mean you’re goin’ anywhere… but it does mean you care 🙂