Blubber To Runner

“I tried and tried and tried and tried to make a way, but nothing happened till that day I prayed…”  ~MC Hammer

I pray.  A lot.  I get it – it ain’t for everyone.  People have a million different views on religion, and I am in no way able to adequately preach on why belief in a religion is right or wrong.  But what I do know is that reconnecting with my faith has been an important part of my change in the past few months, and it helps me try to bring some sense into my life.  I also get that having any type of conversation that involves religion in any way is a HUGE firestorm, so just bear with me for a few if you don’t mind… I’m not gonna preach – just make some points.

I’m a reasonable man, and it’s no different when I pray.  I don’t ask God for a million dollars, a brand new car, or that finally…

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Anne Hathaway… *sigh*

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will realize that her one true love is me and I am here waiting for her to complete her magical journey of a beautiful life.  I ask for things like assistance, clarity, forgiveness… that kinda stuff.  When I pray, all I want is to hopefully gain whatever it is I am looking for through the things I do everyday, and to be open and realize these things when (and if) they present themself.

But here’s the rub:  praying for these things means NOTHING.  Absolutely nothing.  What means everything is what you do with yourself once these prayers are answered.

“My prayers have been answered!”  Just that phrase alone has an air of positivity associated with it.  In many cases though there’s nothing positive about it.  You can ask for clarity on a situation, for example, only to get back the worst possible scenario as your answer.  Your prayer was answered… just not the way you may have wanted it to be.

So what do you do?  For me, I am thankful that I was given the mind I have.  As messed up as it may be on some occasions, in times like this example – when you don’t get your desired result – you need to take a step back, process an entire situation, evaluate objectively and then move forward accordingly.  I speak too soon for sure – but that’s why my best friend is my best friend… he knows how I roll, lets me vomit all of my thoughts in his general direction and then, once on the table, I can rationalize.  I kind of piece together every single piece of information I have and go from there.  It’s therapeutic actually.

Again, it’s all about what you do when your prayers are answered.  You never know when that answer will come and, at least for me, you can never REALLY be prepared once it does.  But, as long as you open yourself up to the point that someday it WILL come, just by taking that step alone should give you a pretty good idea that ‘yeah, I’ll get through this… and even stronger than before.’

In closing… I think I’ve been lying to all of you.  My friend Liz told me when I started this journey – and this blog specifically (I’m paraphrasing here) – “Don’t lie… whatever you do don’t lie. People respond to the truth.”  I took that information very seriously – and I honestly believed I was following her advice to the letter in regards to that.  But, if I’m lying to myself, am I in turn lying to all of you as well?  To be honest I don’t know the answer.  And if you feel that I am, then I sincerely apologize… it was not my intention.  But, what I do know is this – I’m growing… as a son, brother, friend, man… and every time I gain insight into myself and how I conduct myself on a day-to-day basis it makes me stronger.  You may ask ‘where did you lie?’… I think that answer sits in my intentions.  I didn’t know it before… but I do now.  And I will continue to work on it.  Being honest with myself is without a doubt the biggest step, and I will do my best to not mislead anyone (myself included) from here on out. 

Like I said earlier, one of the things I pray for is clarity.  And when that path begins to clear, you start to see a whole lot more… of everything.